The Onion<p>You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving</p><p>Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you’ve changed. I’ve tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can’t pretend any longer: You’re not the man I married. You’re significantly […]<br>The post You’re Not The M…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/youre-not-the-man-i-married-youre-significantly-more-attractive-and-loving/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/youre-not-the-man</span><span class="invisible">-i-married-youre-significantly-more-attractive-and-loving/</span></a></p>
Recent searches
No recent searches
Search options
Not available on mastodon.xyz.
mastodon.xyz is one of the many independent Mastodon servers you can use to participate in the fediverse.
A Mastodon instance, open to everyone, but mainly English and French speaking.
Administered by:
Server stats:
811active users
mastodon.xyz: About · Profiles directory · Privacy policy
Mastodon: About · Get the app · Keyboard shortcuts · View source code · v4.3.4
#theonion
28 posts · 4 participants · 0 posts today
The Onion<p>Björk Performs Benefit Concert For Wilted Sunflowers In Mushroom Forest</p><p>TOADSTOOL VALE—To aid ongoing recovery efforts in mystical lands recently devastated by a moonbeam, singer and composer Björk held a benefit concert Thursday in support of wilted sunflowers living in the mushroom forest. “This next song goes out to this enchanted mushroom forest and all the drooping sunflowers who were a…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/bjork-performs-benefit-concert-for-wilted-sunflowers-in-mushroom-forest/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/bjork-performs-be</span><span class="invisible">nefit-concert-for-wilted-sunflowers-in-mushroom-forest/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Experience The Charm Of The Barrio</p><p>This two-dimensional, hand-painted set of a street corner in Washington Heights, Manhattan, comes from a recent local high school production of In The Heights. Reference #78125<br>The post Experience The Charm Of The Barrio appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/experience-the-charm-of-the-barrio/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/experience-the-ch</span><span class="invisible">arm-of-the-barrio/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Salvadoran President Claims He Lacks Humanity To Return Wrongly Deported Man</p><p>WASHINGTON—During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador’s president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he “lacks the humanity” to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America. “How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don’t have…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/salvadoran-president-claims-he-lacks-humanity-to-return-wrongly-deported-man/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/salvadoran-presid</span><span class="invisible">ent-claims-he-lacks-humanity-to-return-wrongly-deported-man/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Stephen A. Smith Hasn’t Ruled Out Living Cushy Life As Millionaire TV Personality With No Responsibilities</p><p>NEW YORK—Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn’t ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no responsibilities. “Gi…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/stephen-a-smith-hasnt-ruled-out-living-cushy-life-as-millionaire-tv-personality-with-no-responsibilities/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/stephen-a-smith-h</span><span class="invisible">asnt-ruled-out-living-cushy-life-as-millionaire-tv-personality-with-no-responsibilities/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind</p><p>The post Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/paternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/paternal-sunshine</span><span class="invisible">-of-the-spotless-mind/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Report: Wife Hasn’t Been Home In Few Days</p><p>MEDINA, OH—Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn’t been home in a few days. “Huh, that’s weird,” said Nick Davis, who was quoted in the report and who looked from a television playing a rerun of […]<br>The post Report: Wife Hasn’t Been Home In Few Days appeared first …<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/report-wife-hasnt-been-home-in-few-days/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/report-wife-hasnt</span><span class="invisible">-been-home-in-few-days/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Aaron Rodgers Goes On Ayahuasca Retreat In Search Of New Interview Anecdote</p><p>EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a “transformative experience,” Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he’d gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes. “When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I’d found something that I could tal…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/aaron-rodgers-goes-on-ayahuasca-retreat-in-search-of-new-interview-anecdote/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/aaron-rodgers-goe</span><span class="invisible">s-on-ayahuasca-retreat-in-search-of-new-interview-anecdote/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Justin Gonzales and Hannah Ford</p><p>After months of feeling misunderstood and growing distant from each other, the couple put on a good show this weekend for their family and friends.<br>The post Justin Gonzales and Hannah Ford appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/justin-gonzales-and-hannah-ford/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/justin-gonzales-a</span><span class="invisible">nd-hannah-ford/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Tips For Decorating Easter Eggs</p><p>From bold color choices to intricate patterns, there are many ways to make your springtime holiday decorations stand out from the rest. The Onion shares tips for dyeing Easter eggs. Decide if you’ll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a blue one. Create a chromatic silver effect with a few tablespoons of liquid mercury. Get the […]<br>The post Tips For Decorating Easter Eggs appeared first on The O…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/tips-for-decorating-easter-eggs/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/tips-for-decorati</span><span class="invisible">ng-easter-eggs/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly</p><p>The post Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/ozempic-user-explains-how-weight-loss-changed-the-way-people-slapped-her-belly/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/ozempic-user-expl</span><span class="invisible">ains-how-weight-loss-changed-the-way-people-slapped-her-belly/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets</p><p>The post The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/the-onion-cultural-standard-yellowjackets/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/the-onion-cultura</span><span class="invisible">l-standard-yellowjackets/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Researchers Taste Miso Fermented In Space</p><p>Scientists recently had the opportunity to taste a batch of “space miso” fermented for 30 days aboard the International Space Station, noting it had a nuttier and more roasted quality than typical soybean paste made on Earth. What do you think?<br>The post Researchers Taste Miso Fermented In Space appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/researchers-taste-miso-fermented-in-space/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/researchers-taste</span><span class="invisible">-miso-fermented-in-space/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race</p><p>CHICAGO—Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center. “Oh Jesus, Biggie Bagel just went down hard—I’m not sure he’ll ever compete in another Dunkin’ race after an […]<br>The post…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/hush-falls-over-crowd-after-bagel-tears-acl-in-jumbotron-race/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/hush-falls-over-c</span><span class="invisible">rowd-after-bagel-tears-acl-in-jumbotron-race/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Trump’s Tariffs By The Numbers</p><p>The Trump administration has raised taxes on Chinese imports to 125% as the trade war continues to heat up. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the president’s tariffs. $3.2 billion: Market gains for bug-out bags 29: Turnips to be substituted into average American’s weekly diet 1 in 3: Americans currently screaming […]<br>The post Trump’s Tariffs By The Numbers appeared first on The Onio…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/trumps-tariffs-by-the-numbers/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/trumps-tariffs-by</span><span class="invisible">-the-numbers/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive</p><p>WASHINGTON—In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive. “Starting today, our home diagnostic products will include a generous $100 credit…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/new-clearblue-test-comes-with-flight-voucher-in-case-result-positive/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/new-clearblue-tes</span><span class="invisible">t-comes-with-flight-voucher-in-case-result-positive/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Thirst Communion</p><p>The post Thirst Communion appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/thirst-communion/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="">theonion.com/thirst-communion/</span><span class="invisible"></span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Sarah Miller</p><p>Sarah Miller, 47, died happy when her claim that her son’s erratic driving was “going to get [them] all killed” was proven right.<br>The post Sarah Miller appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/sarah-miller/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="">theonion.com/sarah-miller/</span><span class="invisible"></span></a></p>
The Onion<p>U.S. Imposes Tariffs On Remote Island Of Penguins And Seals</p><p>The U.S. Commerce Secretary defended the country’s decision to impose tariffs on Heard and McDonald Islands, an uninhabited archipelago populated only by penguins and seals. What do you think?<br>The post U.S. Imposes Tariffs On Remote Island Of Penguins And Seals appeared first on The Onion.<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/u-s-imposes-tariffs-on-remote-island-of-penguins-and-seals/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/u-s-imposes-tarif</span><span class="invisible">fs-on-remote-island-of-penguins-and-seals/</span></a></p>
The Onion<p>Russell Brand Invited To Florida College To Teach Sexual Assault Workshop</p><p>SARASOTA, FL—As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. “Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both…<br><a href="https://bots.defencegeeks.net/tags/theonion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>theonion</span></a><br><a href="https://theonion.com/russell-brand-invited-to-florida-college-to-teach-sexual-assault-workshop/" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">theonion.com/russell-brand-inv</span><span class="invisible">ited-to-florida-college-to-teach-sexual-assault-workshop/</span></a></p>
ExploreLive feeds
Mastodon is the best way to keep up with what's happening.
Follow anyone across the fediverse and see it all in chronological order. No algorithms, ads, or clickbait in sight.
LoginDrag & drop to upload