#2389 Unread 

I'll never install a smart home smoke detector. It's not that I don't trust the software--it's that all software eventually becomes email, and I know how I am with email.

#2388 Viral Quiz Identity Theft 

[scrolling through a giant spreadsheet of transcribed data] 'Wow, a surprising number of users grew up at 420 69th St.' 'Yeah, must be a high-rise or something.'

#2387 Blair Witch 

"Are you concerned the witches won't breed in captivity?" "Honestly, we're more concerned that they WILL. We don't know what it involves, but our biologists theorize that it's 'harrowing.'"

#2386 Ten Years 

The ten-year cancerversary is traditionally the Cursed Artifact Granting Immortality anniversary.

#2385 Final Exam 

For those of you also taking Game Theory, your grade in that class will be based on how close your grade on this exam is to 80% of the average.

#2384 Set in the Present 

She referenced Billie Eilish, so this must be getting pretty close to the pandemic. But we've seen the last two years in-universe, so if it's set in the future, they must be in at least 2023 by now. [*adds thumbtacks and string to wall*]

#2383 Electoral Precedent 2020 

He also broke the streak that incumbents with websites are unbeatable and Delawareans can't win, creating a new precedent: Only someone from Delaware can defeat an incumbent with a website.

#2382 Ballot Tracker Tracker 

Good luck to Democrats in the upcoming Georgia runoff elections, and to the Google Sheets SREs in the current run-on elections.

#2381 The True Name of the Bear 

Thank you to Gretchen McCulloch for fielding this question, and sorry that as a result the world's foremost internet linguist has been devoured by the brown one. She will be missed.

#2380 Election Impact Score Sheet 

You might think most people you know are reliable voters, or that your nudge won't convince them, and you will usually be right. But some small but significant percentage of the time, you'll be wrong, and that's why this works.

#2328 "Space Basketball" 

My shooting will improve over the short term, but over the long term the universe will take more shots.

#2327 "Oily House Index" 

We're underwater on our mortgage thanks to the low price of water.

#2326 "Five Word Jargon" 

My other (much harder) hobby is trying to engineer situations where I have an excuse to use more than one of them in short succession.

#2325 "Endorheic Basin" 

My biggest fear is that colonial engineers will try to flood me to generate electricity. My biggest hope is that I'll develop sailing stones.

#2324 "Old Days 2" 

The git vehicle fleet eventually pivoted to selling ice cream, but some holdovers remain. If you flag down an ice cream truck and hand the driver a floppy disk, a few hours later you'll get an invite to a git repo.

#2323 "Modeling Study" 

You've got questions, we've got assumptions.

#2322 "ISO Paper Size Golden Spiral" 

The ISO 216 standard ratio is cos(45°), but American letter paper is 8.5x11 because it uses radians, and 11/8.5 = pi/4.

#2321 "Low-Background Metal" 

The only effect on the history books were a few confusing accounts of something called 'Greek fire.'

#2320 "Millennium Problems" 

The hard part about opening a hole in the proof of the Poincaré conjecture is that Grigori Perelman will come out of retirement to try to fix it by drawing a loop around the hole and contracting it to a point.

#2319 "Large Number Formats" 

10^13.4024: A person who has come back to numbers after a journey deep into some random theoretical field

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