Unboostable Kimmy Schmidt @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz
He/him. I did Enron.
https://mastodon.social/@CoughingSound
Watching The Odd Couple and thinking that’s impossible isn’t it?
Was Miss Piggy the bae of pigs?
It’s been done hasn’t it? Someone tell me, I’m too hot to search😓
"OATHBREAKER" they curse at me as i enter church with my neck covered in hickies. i contemplate lying about some underground accident in an octopus fight club, but instead in front of god, i tell the church ladies the truth "i lost control of a beer bottle"
I've been trying to endear myself to a local group of tough guys from Texas, so I've been spitting on the ground constantly and now, and now, I'm really, dehydrated, kind of, like, real thirsty and ifodhsaflk;nf
No jokes here folks, just a bunch of different ways of describing essentially the same action Show more
THIS IS SO SAD Show more
*slaps roof of internet* this bad boy can fit so many car salesman memes in it
A comprehensive list of song lyrics that have become memes much more popular than the songs themselves
*splays fingers, palms facing you*
*cracks joints in fingers by pushing interlaced fingers towards you*
*in one smooth motion, inverts hands from this position and moves them in front of mouth, such that palms are now facing inwards*
[flawless Bane voice] Or perhaps he's wondering why someone would shoot a man, before throwing him out of a plane
Are all companies in the DC Universe named after the family that owns them? Is there rich-boy, heir to a fortune, one tragic accident away from either superheroism or supervillainy cockily telling supermodels at a bar "Yes, I'm _the_ Alan Stang, I'm sure you've heard of my father's company, Stang Urinal Cake Incorporated"?
can't, i'm strategically placing a chain of mirrors around the office to incinerate gregor
*conspicuously @shaggy esque voice* Imagine having tweets, I mean, toots, I mean tweets good enough for someone to eh, to um, ah, damn, line please, to steal, that's it
i regret to inform you, it's art
"More like zaptop," I mutter as terrifying bolts of energy from the dark web shoot out of my portable computer, blasting me into gross wet chunks.
There's a typo here, which most of you were smart enough to spot and therefore not boost. Well done. Good job. You passed the test I definitely did on purpose. To those of you who did boost, I implore you to think on your sins
On Twitch, no one can hear you stream
For the first few minutes
The phrase "in space, no one can hear you scream" always makes me think of those poor lost baby space whales, crying out in vain for their parents
I feel kind of bad for these city slickers with their Tesco Metros and Extras, who may not have and may never experience the awe-inspiring scale and grandeur of a small town Tesco Extra, or indeed any supermarket capable of blotting out the sun
