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If I was Scott Adams it would really piss me off that not many people seem to be naming their children "Dilbert"

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The reason airlines don't let you into the cockpit is because they're afraid you'll catch the pilot smoking all those cigarettes they told you you weren't allowed to smoke

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Please, folks, I need you to boost as many of my toots as your operating system allows.
I'm on a mission.
A holy mission.
I need a platform from which to ask as many people as possible if they've seen a fan remake of the plane hijack scene from the Dark Knight Rises in which they couldn't afford to use an actual plane (or were perhaps too lazy to acquire one) and instead used a car.

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Vacuuming is fine I just hate doing it on a full stomach because sometimes I can’t finish the whole dust bag in one sitting.

when will an answer to my job interview come back from the war

i spend all day working in an office that prints out memes, scans them on an old Xerox, and re-uploads them so they look grainy and shittier.

our operation takes up eight (8!) whole floors in this building. AMA.

ur supposed to eat the sticker on the apple, why else would they put it there

Mr Loggins, if you have intel relating to a so-called "Danger Zone" which could pose a threat to the safety of American citizens it is your duty to disclose its precise coordinates to this subcommittee

Getting out ahead of it now, I'll probably go out for a few pints tonight and I'll probably toot some embarrassing stuff about liking Pitbull. Please try to understand.

violence, George Clooney Show more

Kicked out of the Oscars for finally answering Clooney's allegedly "rhetorical" question, "Nespresso, what else?", repeatedly and loudly to his face

this is how people drink in coke commercials

that's me in the screenshot
that's me getting dunked
losing all my street cred

I release my pokemon upon a chair placed directly across from me. When my pokemon emerges, I simply sit, hands folded, looking into the eyes of my seated pokemon. I call this "The Trainer is Present." My pokemon calls it: "Bellsprout."

If I had a pet parrot, I would take it outside and it would fly away and never come back but as a bit.

despite being fond I am still just a rat in Bed Bath & Beyond

You know, “aye chihuahua!” is an exclamation that has lost a lot of market share, but I believe it’s poised for a comeback. Sharks, I am asking $100,000 for a 5% stake...

(me forgetting all the shitty posts i mad that nobody interacted with* I'm really on fire today

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