The reason airlines don't let you into the cockpit is because they're afraid you'll catch the pilot smoking all those cigarettes they told you you weren't allowed to smoke

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Oct 13, 2018, 12:25

Pinned toot

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Oct 13, 2018, 12:25

Oct 13, 2018, 12:25

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

Boost and I will tell you the time.

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Jul 06, 2018, 21:11

Pinned toot

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Jul 06, 2018, 21:11

Jul 06, 2018, 21:11

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

Please, folks, I need you to boost as many of my toots as your operating system allows.
I'm on a mission.
A holy mission.
I need a platform from which to ask as many people as possible if they've seen a fan remake of the plane hijack scene from the Dark Knight Rises in which they couldn't afford to use an actual plane (or were perhaps too lazy to acquire one) and instead used a car.

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Jul 28, 2018, 20:59

Pinned toot

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Jul 28, 2018, 20:59

Jul 28, 2018, 20:59

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

Me, inevitably, whenever someone is even slightly nice to me

6dc953681b312e51.jpg

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 22, 2019, 06:54

Hasty Name Change boosted

**Bigger James Webpage** @Excuse_haver@mastodon.social · Feb 22, 2019, 06:54

Feb 22, 2019, 06:54

Bigger James Webpage @Excuse_haver@mastodon.social

Vacuuming is fine I just hate doing it on a full stomach because sometimes I can’t finish the whole dust bag in one sitting.

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 22, 2019, 21:33

Hasty Name Change boosted

**Robby, LLC** @Robby@forreal.masto.host · Feb 22, 2019, 21:33

Feb 22, 2019, 21:33

Robby, LLC @Robby@forreal.masto.host

when will an answer to my job interview come back from the war

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 22, 2019, 21:16

Hasty Name Change boosted

**santos l halper** @ADUB@knzk.me · Feb 22, 2019, 21:16

Feb 22, 2019, 21:16

santos l halper @ADUB@knzk.me

whom is on first?

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 22, 2019, 20:41

Hasty Name Change boosted

**jackdaw_rudeness** @jackdaw@jackdaw.today · Feb 22, 2019, 20:41

Feb 22, 2019, 20:41

jackdaw_rudeness @jackdaw@jackdaw.today

i spend all day working in an office that prints out memes, scans them on an old Xerox, and re-uploads them so they look grainy and shittier.

our operation takes up eight (8!) whole floors in this building. AMA.

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 22, 2019, 21:11

Hasty Name Change boosted

**𝔏𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔊𝔬𝔟** @pizza@goblin.camp · Feb 22, 2019, 21:11

Feb 22, 2019, 21:11

𝔏𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔊𝔬𝔟 @pizza@goblin.camp

ur supposed to eat the sticker on the apple, why else would they put it there

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 18:55

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 18:55

Feb 21, 2019, 18:55

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

Kenny Loggins is our sysAdmin

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 15:27

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 15:27

Feb 21, 2019, 15:27

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

Mr Loggins, if you have intel relating to a so-called "Danger Zone" which could pose a threat to the safety of American citizens it is your duty to disclose its precise coordinates to this subcommittee

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 12:45

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 12:45

Feb 21, 2019, 12:45

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

Getting out ahead of it now, I'll probably go out for a few pints tonight and I'll probably toot some embarrassing stuff about liking Pitbull. Please try to understand.

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 12:42

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 12:42

Feb 21, 2019, 12:42

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

violence, George Clooney Show more

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 21, 2019, 08:50

Hasty Name Change boosted

**Darth Erogenous** @adrenalineetc@mastodon.social · Feb 21, 2019, 08:50

Feb 21, 2019, 08:50

Darth Erogenous @adrenalineetc@mastodon.social

naming my son Dad, after my father

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 11:21

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 21, 2019, 11:21

Feb 21, 2019, 11:21

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

tired: Twitter Takeovers
wired: takeover Twitter

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 20, 2019, 19:09

**Hasty Name Change** @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz · Feb 20, 2019, 19:09

Feb 20, 2019, 19:09

Hasty Name Change @CoughingSound@mastodon.xyz

Kicked out of the Oscars for finally answering Clooney's allegedly "rhetorical" question, "Nespresso, what else?", repeatedly and loudly to his face

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 20, 2019, 10:46

Hasty Name Change boosted

Em @em@cybre.space · Feb 20, 2019, 10:46

Feb 20, 2019, 10:46

Em @em@cybre.space

this is how people drink in coke commercials

96f1f2bb406db97e.png

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 15, 2019, 20:15

Hasty Name Change boosted

**Mads "Legend" Viande** @byttyrs@queer.party · Feb 15, 2019, 20:15

Feb 15, 2019, 20:15

Mads "Legend" Viande @byttyrs@queer.party

that's me in the screenshot
that's me getting dunked
on
losing all my street cred

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 18, 2019, 19:01

Hasty Name Change boosted

**peptostate** @peptostate@jorts.horse · Feb 18, 2019, 19:01

Feb 18, 2019, 19:01

peptostate @peptostate@jorts.horse

I release my pokemon upon a chair placed directly across from me. When my pokemon emerges, I simply sit, hands folded, looking into the eyes of my seated pokemon. I call this "The Trainer is Present." My pokemon calls it: "Bellsprout."

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 19, 2019, 15:32

Hasty Name Change boosted

**ElfLord 🇺🇸 .🐴** @ElfLord@freedom.horse · Feb 19, 2019, 15:32

Feb 19, 2019, 15:32

ElfLord 🇺🇸 .🐴 @ElfLord@freedom.horse

If I had a pet parrot, I would take it outside and it would fly away and never come back but as a bit.

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 18, 2019, 16:53

Hasty Name Change boosted

**selfsame** @selfsame@tiny.tilde.website · Feb 18, 2019, 16:53

Feb 18, 2019, 16:53

selfsame @selfsame@tiny.tilde.website

despite being fond I am still just a rat in Bed Bath & Beyond

**Hasty Name Change** · Feb 18, 2019, 16:55

Hasty Name Change boosted

**ross** @Ross@knzk.me · Feb 18, 2019, 16:55

Feb 18, 2019, 16:55

ross @Ross@knzk.me

You know, “aye chihuahua!” is an exclamation that has lost a lot of market share, but I believe it’s poised for a comeback. Sharks, I am asking $100,000 for a 5% stake...