Like 6 years ago I was on tour with my friends and we used to scam food out of places all the time. One time we called an Outback Steakhouse somewhere near Appleton, Wisconsin and got like 4 bloomin onions out of them. We quickly realized that was a massive amount of deep fried onion. So naturally we took it down to the fox river to see how easily they would burn. Turns out, pretty easy.

And drunk midwesterners fucking love walking around at night don't ask why we just do. So these drunk Sconnies come up and ask what were doing and my friends are deep occult weirdos and make up (?) some shit about doing a dark ritual where you gotta like burn the image of something you want to obtain that thing. Dude says "I'd like another pack of cigarettes." and tosses his empty pack and his lighter(!) into the bloomin onion grease fire we just created.

Ok cool. So a little while later this group of juggalos comes up and just apparently wants to hang with us. Sure why not. So we tell them about the ritual and one of them starts going on about a secret witch coven operating in the area and asking if we know about them and all this other shit. He's nice enough but kind of weirds me out. I still drink out of his flask though why not.

But his friends. Juggalo and juggalette. They're a couple. And they've been dead quiet ever since we brought up the ritual of the Bloomin Onion™️. So the girl eventually comes up and asks us if we're sure it works. Her ranty coven friend assures her it will. So she looks at her still serious and quiet juggalo boyfriend and takes something off the necklace she's wearing, takes a deep breath, and before I can explain to her that we're just fucking around out here burning food we kinda stole...

She tosses whatever it was directly into the flames summoned from the onion and burning with the intensity of the outback itself. Now right about the time she tosses that thing in, remember that lighter from earlier? It fuckin pops. Very dramatic timing on that thing. Everyone fuckin gasps. My friend looks her right in the eyes and just says "He accepts. Now go." and the three of them GTFO with a quickness and I can hear the talkative guy telling them "I fuckin told you!" the whole time.

So anyway that was my Outback Steakhouse story. Thanks for reading.

People like this story and I like to tell it ok

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@tarzanboy This went exactly the way I thought it would, but I was still enthralled the whole time.

@tarzanboy Damn it. Now I want a Bloomin' Onion. I guess I could try lighting the stove jet and throwing a raw onion on it? 🤔


It's all in good fun until every smoke alarm in the house goes off at once and the cat is traumatized for life.

Gonna' visit the in-law next week. If I give him the sad face while we're there maybe he'll drive us to an Outback. Seems safer. :D

@tarzanboy you guys did not know there is a Demonic Entity connected with the Outback Steakhouse and the Blooming Onion is cut in the form of its sigil? Amateurs...

@em It was a very fun time in my life. I suppose it's also relevant to the fedis interest that a enby goth was there too.

@tarzanboy I revisit this story every once in a while because it's just brilliant.

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