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Follow me over at @tarzanboy if you still want your TL full of mlb talk from me. Gonna try to keep it all over there but no promises.

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So anyway that was my Outback Steakhouse story. Thanks for reading.

oh? someone needs a lift to the supermarket? oh? someone wants me to remove 18 years worth of childhood paraphernalia from her home so she can finally have the craft room she has always dreamed of? and this is the same woman who doesnt appreciate a joyful crab dance? very interesting.

cutting down on single use plastics by diving into the sea and strangling turtles with my bare hands

oh yeah, i've got some great big ideas about who should be going to hell, and I'm at the top of the list, buddy!

an orc who has based his whole personality around his botched circumcision

In a complete 180 from every single other night this week im in my own bed, sober, and watching Property Brothers. This actually whips ass.

im glad i found mastodon because its good that my brain is a puddle at the base of my skull slowly draining down my spine

Hitting Bernie Sanders with an RKO and watching the light leave his eyes before he hits the ground

Sillicon valley is proof nerds shouldn't hold any sort of social and economic power only epic sk8r bois and jocks should be allowed to lead

it you would like to achieve my posting prowess without the years of practice it took to obtain these skills you can accomplish it by falling down a flight of stairs and hitting your head on each step perfectly vertically like a Pogo stick

Hillary Clinton, to me, peptostate: "Pokemon go off, king!"

Thinking about what a weird figure I've always been to my younger brother and his group of friends

if you're hot and cant find someone to sell you drugs you are like a person playing on easy mode and unable to even get out of the tutorial section

you hang out long enough on shitty couches and suddenly you can find someone who will give you salvia for free and you'll wish you hadnt

Millennials Aren't Embezzling Nearly Enough Money. And Here's Why

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