me eating crisps in bed: *cromch*
me 10 minutes later: “why are there crumbs in my bed‽”

What on earth is TFL doing with Stratford Jubilee platform 13? There’s a sign saying it’s closed, I got an email ages ago saying it closed, an announcement just said all trains stop at 14 or 15… and yet a train just pulled into 13.

Wipr: Twitter for when you want to write shit about people and nobody can read it. No Tweets, just Sheets®. Don’t swipe, wipe™. Simply write as many Sheets® at you need, tear off the thread, wipe, and flush down the content pipes. Wipr, it’s just shit™.

Bleaching my hair with my boyfriend might be the gayest thing I’ve done. Apart from blowjobs, that’s pretty gay.

Not sure if my coffee still tastes like de-scaler…

Lady Gaga has done a reverse Taylor Swift by gradually going more country.

I try to be creative with how I greet my boyfriend. Today was “Hello sweet pickle!” Other contenders were “Greetings ebola sunflower” and “Surrender rancid gemstone” x

Bought these “NUTS ENJOYMENT With Cheese” in the shape of wizard hats from the local Polish shop and I am not disappointed 😍 (there’s no nuts)

I have a glass tumbler candle and I keep almost drinking it 😬

Unfortunately the boss’s brother is “objectively handsome” as my colleague put it, but luckily he is straight and has a girlfriend. No more straight crushes for me 😅

I made this vegan burger recently and it was super tasty. Butternut squash waffles, vegan coconut cheese, garlic fried woodland mushrooms, onions, peppers, and a spicy tomato relish.

I am writing a Doctor Who fan-fiction that came to me in a dream because I am 15

If I ever do decide I want to get engaged I’ll probably just hide an engagement ring emoji on one of my social profiles and wait for him to notice 👀 Fun!

I dreamed someone handed me a glass of semen. Took a while to figure out what I was drinking.

evidently the secret to hair regrowth is voting down the euro

my favourite kind of sex is a quiet cuddle and contemplate my life choices

when I see a guy yawn with a big mouth I think “he could fit so much dick in there”

There’s this new game called masturbation. It’s really hard.

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