*the final 5 minutes of comey's testimony*

senator old fuck: mr. comey, do you have anything else to add before we adjourn?

comey: well, I have just one thing for the folks back home

*open palm slams a VHS into the slot labelled "PЇSS TДPԐ"*

If I got an F in chemistry​ I'd have to go to summer school for the first time, which would completely fuck up my plans to move. I've never been happier about getting a D in my entire life

My number 1 tech support tip is to just slut shame whatever tech isn't working into submission. 

It doesnt really work though, just like with real women.

stranger: hi my name's Todd, what do you do for a living?
me: I write my phone number on bathroom stalls and wait for hot girls to text me

LOOKING FOR AN ACTRESS IN NYC FOR A MUSIC VIDEO 

hey guys, me and a friend of mine are making a music video for the song Fruit Bat by DRENCH FRIES, and we need an actress to play the part of "Samantha". She needs to look like an angsty edgy teenager and be attractive in a "girl next door" type of way, if you know what I mean. It would also be good if she has long brightly dyed hair (like a pink or blue color), but it's not required. Let me know if you or anyone you know is interested.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS
KILLER WHALES

so I guess I'm back with my ex now? How did that happen? I'm so confused?

Today is the first day in almost 3 years that I've worn shorts instead of jeans and I already feel my edgy teenager facade fading please help me

Anyone that wears those "Kiss me, I'm French" shirts is most certainly not French

hey what do you do when your ex (who you haven't talked to since February and who has been trying to talk to you ever since) texts you on what would've been your one year anniversary saying shit like this ??? mastodon.xyz/media/QN0LrbuF1oR

my hella long overdue first let's fucking go
@PoliticalVoyeur -smart humor that goes over my head but I still laugh
@CoughingSound - the fucker did Enron but he makes good funnies
@fry - good boi nice boi luv his music and random thoughts that he toots
@SarcasmKid - seems to enjoy burritos very much
@cphuntington97 - honestly just a nice person
@marko - knows people that are in bands I like
@levi - my first real follower and generally cool dude

My favorite hobby is shaming people who think they're hipsters because they own a Crowley record player because I am a terrible person

Can't wait to listen to the next album of "former emo band that now copies 2 year old pop trends" Linkin Park

I am in a very "ay I'm not sad or anything but I kinda just wanna die in my sleep" type of mood

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