i was sexually assaulted in college, two guys held me down and digitally penetrated me. contrary to stereotype, i dont get PTSD flashbacks to this at all. i ended up having a weird fixation with having my fiancé (now ex) recreate parts of the assault in bed, so it made me kinkier? somehow. it slightly bothers me that my assailants turned a terrifying a humiliating experience into something i want to do in bed that i never cared about before. fuckin mind control

incidentally it was this experience that drove home to me just how much more physically powerful cismen are than ciswomen. it made me see men in a different light. ever since then in a bored moment i look at my cismale friends and coworkers and think “they could flip out and break my bones easily and i wouldnt be able to do shit.” i dont know if a lot of guys actively consider just how much more powerful their upper body strength is. but i do

@Xibanya I realized that this is a big part of why I continue to lift weights. It makes me feel like I'm in control of my body and can fight back if necessary.