I like my gray hair, which is a good thing because more is coming

Teach me how _not_ to Dougie.
I've been Dougieing for 22 years.
My life is hell.

It is an established, scientific fact that shoes have soles. But do they go to heaven?

scientists love to talk about, 'the god particle', but what of the, 'dog particle'?

If you say internet in the mirror 3 times a spooky post comes out and u gotta fave it

A new life awaits you in the ant colonies, a chance to begin again in a golden land of aphid milking and cutting leaves

I own two (2) shares of Nintendo that I bought for about 80 dollars and every time I remember them I feel like this

Folks, please, let's not turn this dick-measuring contest into a pissing contest

Never tell me the odds!
Knowing the odds makes me shit my pants

pretending im a witch just to get some fucking time away from these stupid fucking annoying villagers.

what do you call a pirate who's crankin' it? 

If you want to create some x-rated fanart of any of the vivid characters featured in my toots (Italian Poirot, Drunk-And-Emotional Scott Adams, Marxist Rodney Dangerfield etc) please, feel free!

🎵 Guess who just got back today?
(my wife's boyfriend) 🎵

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